The Grief Diaries Written during the Quarantine of COVID-19 (Coronavirus) by both of us. In honor of our marriage, the struggle, the joy and the real.
Grief Diaries of Marriage during Quarantine
“He saw a girl,
Smiled at her.
She looked at the muchacho.
Dance my way, young man.
You girl, you woman, play with me…”
They began in middle earth,
Love without nesting anywhere,
Looking at gapes, the holes filled in
Faith talk, garden work, toil in the dirt.
Belonging.
I started yelling without thought
Just the feeling of anger bubbling up
And then I had
sudden rush of guilt.
You are here all the time
What are you getting done?
I am doing nothing
exploding onto you and
The debris is scattered in our home.
I say our home,
we are together, but lately
The walls feel like they
enclose the splinters of unexplainable
And unknowable
Smiles without teeth,
Ways we have been together
Or paths of distance
Crossed between your dirt and mine
mostly apart.
Because you have been
And I have been
Gone.
Gone.
Gone.
Sunsets and Sunrises,
They came too fast,
Before hope could catch me
Or you
Or the four beauties
The work of life is to find what’s missing,
Address that space,
Find herself
Find myself
Find himself
But, we really haven’t done
What we needed to
And there are plenty of reasons for dismantled
Practical affairs of love
A strategic particular love of days worn into us
Both of us
Deep chasms
A romantic love affair we were famous for
Played out in Mexican expectations
Heated
Hot
Fired
Embers under skin
Minds
Hearts
Soul ties of
And underneath flashy painting,
ripped by family
S0-called friends,
Bible-pounding watchers
All those who look at me, not at you
Say come over but don’t show
Is a frayed,
tattered
beaten
starved for
love
I’ve found myself apologizing more,
And you were accepting more
The more you accept
more I’m sorry
for erecting cement
the large brick barrier
I want to put up a gate to shut you out,
A throbbing hurt you carry
Shuts me down in lack
My arms won’t hold you,
We don’t fit suddenly
Or make sense
I can’t make it better
I stay away
However, you coax me back into the unknown
My skin
My smile
our raw, bare skin,
Naked bodies.
Unclothed before the mirror of you
Reflecting brown
White
Olive
Stripes
Breasts of burden
Thighs working hard
Back bent forward
Arms ripped by worn-out-do-it-all muscles
Forming broken beauty
It’s Sensual
Sexy
Make love to me
Doesn’t have to be great
Its rushed when it seems like It should be slow
And slow when I need something more
You move toward me
Connecting me to mirrors of grace
I tell you it’s true.
We are that flaming romance we dream of
We dream of
We dream of
We dream of
All bruised,
wrought with flaws
There’s the issue of love,
life, the after-affair
A heartbeat
longing
The touch
His touch
My touch
The way they comingle
Spare me from your eyes
Pounding headache
Tears and anger
Joy and hate
Pleasure and pain
Am I with you?
Are you with me?
Who ARE we together?
Latino?
German?
White?
Brown?
Mixed up, too?
An encounter in the locked-in-locked-out spaces
You’ve kept your words
And I’ve stored them for me
Listen to your breath all night long
Grieving weights of words
Beast of burden,
For someone who doesn’t love you
Uses you
Wants you for one thing, but
I’m the one locked away
locked away,
Escapes of whispers meant for me
My back
Just bent and barred from feeling more
I lie still
Match your breath to mine
What’s more is that I want you
I want you to want me,
I want us to want each other
Then I hate the way you yell
Or way I’m sarcastic
sniping and cutting
Jagged edges of our relationship
Shitty words between us,
Unperfected fighting swords,
Ripping into both of us
“Point those swords out!”
Angels!
Come to us!
Dear, God. We need you!
Pleaded that today
Prayers from me
Your prayers for me
Mine are gasps for help
Gulps of air inhaled for your peace,
Relief from pressure
The gringos standing on your neck,
“Get off!” I scream.
“Dear God. We need you!”
then, he says to me, “Dear ones made of Earth. Souls close to mine.”
I don’t hope that much,
I tell the Lord.
I don’t want that much,
I tell my God.
Then, I remind God,
I want all of this for me,
for him,
my children.
So much more than cars
Homes
Electronics,
I want you to stand by my side
Stay with me
Hold me in your arms
Rock me
Back and forth
Stay
Please stay
Quedate conmigo
Here we are
You
Me
us.
Exhale out, one-two-three-four-five
Breath in, one-two-three-four-five
Stay,
You and me
Made of earth
Dirt
Two of us
Brown and rich
Soil
Call to me,
“Come back to me. Come back to me.”
And, I’ll reply, “I’ll stay, baby. I’ll stay.”